dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
