Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
