and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
