I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
