I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
