Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
