well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
