I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Randomize
