After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
