Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
