every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
