I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
