i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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