so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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