Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
