So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
