im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
