hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
