i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
