did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
