There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
