I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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