I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
