I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
