Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
