I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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