Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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