I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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