I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
this will be a night to untag.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
