i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
accomplished twins. life is a go
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
