Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
