If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
