Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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