Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
