Apparently you make a good broom.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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