I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
