I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
