Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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