I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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