There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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