Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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