I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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