god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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