the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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