If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
