my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dignity is for republicans.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
