Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
