I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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