Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
