Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
