our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
