have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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