I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
