I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
