wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
