I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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