Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
