Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
