He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
