I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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