I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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