I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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